Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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