wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
