Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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