I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
