I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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