Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
