So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I have feelings that need drinking.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
