God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize