You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
