There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
