We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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