Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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