hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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