Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
