yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
