I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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