life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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