I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
