i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
