Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
