Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
