i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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