I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
