found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize