You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
