apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
