I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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