i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
