i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
