now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
