I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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