i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
