I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
