do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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