i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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