I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
