Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
