just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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