if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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