she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
