Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
pray to the hookup gods
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
