i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just found a bag of teeth...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
