I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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