I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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