While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
