i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
