I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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