90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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