I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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