I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
