Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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