I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
How naked do you want me to be?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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