So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I love you. Go after that dick
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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