Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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