Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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