Just cropdusted the office
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
