He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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