dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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