When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
