Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize