My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
