My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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