My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
