Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
