are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
